Don't leave me here.
Saturday, March 3, 2012 @ 6:16 PM
Sohee breathed. Sickened by the smell in the air. Sweat. Drugs. Liquor. Blood. And everything in between. She'd been spent, subject to alleged "love" against her will. Against her heart's will, but everything in her mind told her this was the only way she'd keep him here.
She watched his back as he turned to leave her. Unfeeling of anything. She felt the burst of cold air as the apartment door opened then closed. They hadn't even made it to the bedroom. There was no respect of that sort.
She didn't even love him anymore. It was just a deed. It was just an action and habit to keep him here. As long as anyone made her heart race, as long as anyone made her feel like she was needed.
She lit up a smoke and exhaled deeply. It calmed her nerves, it wasn't the first time someone walked out on her. Only now did she feel that with her skin touching the tiles of her now sullied kitchen floor did she feel naked. She absentmindedly walked to the bathroom. She turned on the water, feeling the initial cold and then the burning heat.
That's what attracted her to him in the first place. The initial cold, the hardened outer shell. After she scrubbed away all the filth, she retreated into her velvet bathrobe. Still, feeling empty, she succumbed to sleep.
She woke up the next morning to another day, she had fallen asleep in that sitting position she had assumed after her shower. She absentmindedly got up. Her head felt dizzy and the effects of the night before began to overwhelm her. There had been too much to drink...
Way too much to drink.
She rushed to the toilet and heaved roughly. It was a bother, not to have anyone to hold her up or clean after her in times like these. She hurriedly wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and flushed the toilet, seeing the contents of last night swirl down the toilet bowl and disappear. Out of sight, out of mind.
She smiled as she greeted the incoming customers. She bowed a ninety degree bow, this was a learned skill. However unseemly her night job was, her day job was relatively normal. She worked at a reception desk at a somewhat shady company. It was a lone shark company, but she took what she could get. She wobbled a bit before sitting down, she had felt imbalanced all day. And she felt hungry again.
She briefly left the reception desk to go to the workers' area, she looked in. Typical of the company, not having anything filling for the workers. There were a couple cups of pudding and a jug of milk that has been there for as long as she could remember, it was starting to smell. She took out the jug of milk, threw up a little inside her mouth as the smell grew stronger when the milk jug passed her face; it went straight into the trash.
She never had much of a sweet tooth, but as she took the pudding cup now. This was what she was craving, this would hit the spot.
The room was loud and the voices were beginning to pound in her ears. She sat on the black leather couch. Her night job, a "host" of sorts, more for hire. If anything it was more like being a prostitute. The job paid little in reality. Tips made up most of the pay, but even then it was split with the club. The only way to get money in this damned job was to sell out and be enough of a whore to be brought home by a different man each night. She learned this at a young naive age of 16, but it stayed with her long enough that she was completely jaded against it. Sex was nothing, it was just a means for money.
Of course she had learned the proper protection. No babies, none of that, it would be only a hindrance to her.
There were men who came back for her, there were men who became her sugar daddy. She'd never admit it, but even though she was so jaded now, her heart was still unruly, she fell in love with the worst of men. They've been abusive, drunks and addicts. About any type of unhealthy guy you could think of. Gang leaders, corrupt businessmen, and just fucking faking poor boys. Above all, she hated the poor boys that came to the club squandering their mother's money needlessly and not even being able to pay at the very end. Those were the worst.
She excused herself from the room, citing that she had to use the ladies room. She went to the bathroom and threw up, she had been doing this a lot lately. She always had a relatively good tolerance of alcohol. She never had to throw up this much. She felt drunk and imbalanced. She had never felt like this before.
She flushed the toilet and washed her hands, gurgling some water and then freshening up again. She walked out of the bathroom, feeling a little better. She looked at the reception area and saw him standing there. He had just been at her house last night. Now he was with another girl. The girl was a blond, and one of the most popular hosts at the club. She knew how to get herself taken out every night. Not that anyone could blame her, her face was beyond perfect, and she had a slamming body. And she knew how to work with everything she had. If her attitude toward the other hosts wasn't so haughty, everyone might have been able to swallow it down, but like this. She hated that damn bitch too.
She caught herself staring and saw the blond wave at her, pretending as if they were close. The guy who had looked so disoriented and hungry for comfort last night now looked his status again. He was rich, but he wasn't one of those rare rich people that actually obtained their money from upright methods, those were a rare species in the club. His face was handsome, and his black hair fell exactly right. It was stylish and matched his style perfectly. He was done up in a suit today, much different than how he appeared at her apartment door yesterday. It was all about appearances. He was a high ranked drug dealer in their city who had enough money to blow on any single girl.
He had made her feel special, as if she was the only one he could be not done up in front of. Every time he had held her in his arms, it felt as though she was precious, something treasured. Would he now treat that faking bitch like that too?
Of course it had all been different for him. He looked at her briefly before paying the receptionist the sum needed. He turned his back, his hand guiding the blond host out of the club. He didn't even look back. To him, she was just another girl.
She groaned as she woke up. She woke up in her own bed, in her own apartment. The previous day had gone poorly. If she had done well the night before, she wouldn't be in her own bed. She would be in someone else's bed, a someone else that hopefully provided breakfast for her before kicking her out of their place. As it was, no breakfast today. She stood up and immediately felt sick, rushing to the bathroom again. She threw up.
"What the fuck!" she swore aloud, "I haven't even ate anything in the last 12 hours." The only things she had eaten the previous day... actually fuck. She had eaten plenty the previous day. Besides the pudding cup, she had plenty of food from the host club. She usually didn't eat much, she couldn't afford to seem unladylike in front of the guests. She couldn't appear to be more interested in the food than the customers. Fuck, maybe that's why she was in her own bed today.
She thought back, what date was today? The 9th of February. She had missed her period last month and the previous month. She hadn't started to show yet, but she felt fairly certain. Over excessive trips to the bathroom, whether to throw up or anything else, unexplained cravings... this damn feeling every morning that greeted her when she wakes up.
Questions began appearing. Should she get rid of it? Who was the dad? How would she even begin to take care of it?
She took a deep breath, better to be sure first. She made her way to the convenience store below her apartment. She included three sandwiches in her basket. After she paid for the bill, she turned to leave the store. She was surprised as she saw him enter the convenience store. "Sohee," he greeted her, also wearing a surprised expression.
"Daejoon," she awkwardly felt compelled to hide the bag to the side of her, attempting to not draw attention. She couldn't help but feel disappointed as the blond girl walked in behind him, "Soojin." Soojin nodded as they walked into the store, as Sohee looked back she saw that they had entered the aisle with the condoms. "Didn't have enough last night?" she muttered through gritted teeth before turning her back and leaving.
That's how it was wasn't it? She was just another girl.
Daejoon's policy with girls was simple. One use only, dispose. Sohee knew that well. And she had known for a long time, she had grown up with it. Love wasn't a feeling, it wasn't a bliss. It was a weapon. It was an easy emotion embedded into other people, to manipulate. For her, it was just another means of survival. If selling her body meant surviving, she would do so simply.
She uneasily felt her swelling belly. What would she do with it? Would she get rid of it? She took a deep breath. She wanted him. She wanted Daejoon. Yet, it still came as a surprise to her when she went to his door. She shifted her steps uneasily in front of the club, the dealing spot for his joint. One of the bouncers approached her, "You're a pretty little thing aren't you?" he raised an eyebrow at her stomach, "Seems like someone already messed you up well though."
Sohee instinctively raised her arms to protect the growing child. "I want to see Daejoon." The confidence in her voice shocked her; it contrasted the inner turmoil inside her mind. She felt that Daejoon was the father. Call it maternal instinct, but she was sure of it.
"The boss busy you know. He doesn't just see anyone. Do you have business with him?"
"I think he'll want to see me..." Sohee clutched her stomach, indicating what was in her thoughts without a word.
They let her through and Sohee went straight for the backroom where she knew Daejoon would be situated. She breezed past the strippers, the men that came for business or to just have fun with the women and drinking there. Her eyes softened as they fell on Daejoon, "Daejoon..."
Just by looking at him Sohee could tell today hadn't been a good day for him. Daejoon raised his head, muttering "Those damn brats... cheating me out of..." If he had noticed Sohee standing there he paid no mind to her.
"Daejoon." She was louder this time.
His eyes slid towards her, lacking any of the care she thought she had detected in his eyes when he had been with her. "What do you want? Can't you tell I'm busy?"
"Daejoon..." She wasn't sure how to begin.
"What? If you have something to say just say it."
"Daejoon, I'm pregnant."
"I think it's yours."
There was a silence. Sohee looked uneasily at Daejoon.
"Get rid of it."
"What did you---"
"Get rid of it. You're just another whore to me, you know that don't you?"
The words stung. But that's how it was. Sohee sold any self respect she had when she begun in this practice didn't she?
"... I'm going to have it."
"Leave me out of it."
That was it.
Sohee sighed. She had gotten a regular job. Something about having a child had compelled her to change. She wanted her child to grow up in a world that was right. Something different than what she grew up in. Sohee wouldn't be the alcoholic mother she had been born to. She had done all that she could. She lifted a box up now, doing manual labor. This couldn't be good for the child. But having nothing... that would be even worse wouldn't it?
"Honey... don't do that. It'll be bad for the child."
She turned around surprised, it had been Daejoon's voice. But he couldn't be here. It was her again, her imagination acting up. He wouldn't be here. He wouldn't be a part of the baby's life. Ever. It wouldn't know Daejoon either. She had only herself to depend on now.
Feeling an enormous rush of pain, Sohee heard herself cry out, and her knees buckle from under her. "Her water broke!" Someone was saying. Things began swimming past her, someone was calling the police. There was an ambulance.
"Breathe. Breathe..." Someone was saying.
It hurt, Sohee gasped loudly as there was a contraction. It hurt so damn bad. A nurse was next to her, "Do you want to contact the father?"
Another contraction. Sohee cried out again, by herself. "He has no father. He won't come, his father won't."
Another contraction. How long has it been? Sohee breathed heavily as a nurse wiped the sweat from her forehead. The atmosphere in the room wasn't good.
The doctor was speaking to her now, "I think you should give up on the baby Sohee... He's going to kill you if it keeps going like this..."
Sohee could barely register what he was telling her, she felt weak... and tired. So tired. "I... I can't give up on him..." That was right wasn't it? Apart from this baby, there was no one else. There was no one else who needed her, who would need her to be survive. There was no one else she could love or be loved by. There was no one.
Another contraction. And it went on.
A nurse was beginning to panic, "Doctor, she's beginning to bleed out."
The doctor turned to her, "I think you should just abort it, Sohee. At this rate, you and the baby could both die."
Sohee breathed in sharply, it still hurt. "I'll... I'll hold on to the last minute." Please... Don't leave me here... Please... please... please...
Sohee sat on the hospital bed by herself. There had been no joyous moment when she saw her sweet son's face. He was gone. Her grief was overwhelming. She cried out again and again. Her voice already sore, it grew to become small stifled sobs.
Why did you have to leave me?